Editing Heaven

Some software developer/programmer could make millions by developing a program that could simultaneously run a global search and replace through multiple Word files.

Feeling wishful this morning.

Ivan's Scammer Syntax Software (version 3.2.1)

I recently decided to play along for a while (via email) with "Marina," a "Russian" scammer.

She had chosen me from the Internets, would soon leave her little village, travel to St. Petersburg, and finally join me here in the States.

One of her many increasingly intimate, revealing, and romantic emails included the following poem:

My voice for you both tender and languid
Disturbs later silence of night dark.
Near bed sad the candle burns mine;
My verses merge murmuring, flow, rivers love,
Flow are full you.
In darkness your eyes shine before with me,
To me smile, and sounds are heard by me:
My friend, my gentle friend. I Like .. Yours Yours!

In pinetions long hopeless,
In alarms of noisy vanity,
The voice gentle sounded to me long
Also lovely fig dreamed.
And heart beat in ecstasy,
And for it have revived again
And a deity, and inspiration,
Both life, and happiness, and love

The more I read this poem, the more I am convinced these scammers use a software program that is designed to convert good English writing into what you see above—a hodgepodge of grammar and syntax errors from the perspective of a variety of other languages. It's Word's grammar and spell check turned inside out. Brilliant.

Back to Marina. As the English poet Philip James Bailey (1816–1905) wrote, "Poets are all who love, who feel great truths, And tell them; and the truth of truths is love."

You gotta love a scammer who's a romantic. In my case, it was up to the point when Marina asked for my full name and phone number. No doubt an airfare request was forthcoming.

Here's Marina's between two of her friends; and don't they look Russian!


Final note: I did some research on the Russian-wife scam game and quickly discovered "Marina" identified on two alert sites under two different names and hometowns.

Le mot juste: Spell-checking has its limits.

Many writers and inexperienced editors put too much faith in Word's spell-checking function. Yes, it can catch typos, but it doesn't replace reading every word carefully. Let's assume that President Lincoln's editor had relied exclusively on spell-checking when he edited the Gettysburg Address.

Fore scour and heaven years ago hour fathers brought fourth, upon this continent, a gnu nation, conceived inn libertine and desiccated to the position that awl women are created equally.

Now wee are engaged in a grate civility war, testing weather this nay shun, ore any nay shin sew conceived an sow dedicated, can long in doer. We are mete on a great bottle feel of that whore. We halve come to dead uh gait a pour shun of it, as a final wresting plaice four those who dyed hear, that the nation mite love. This we May, in all property dew. Butt inn a lager cents, we can knot dedicate, wee kin not consecrate, we cannot hail low, this ground. The braver men, living undead, who struggled herein, haven’t hallowed it, far above our pour powers too ad or subtract. The whirls will little note, nor long dismember what we say hear; while it cannot never forge watt they did here.

It is rather for U.S. the live in, wee here bee dedication to the great tusk remaindering before us—that from this on her dead we takes in creased devolution to that cause for witch they hear grave the last foal measure of devotion—that we heard high lea resolve that these dead shall knot have dyed invade, that this nation shall halve a new berth of free dome, and that governmental of the pea pull, buy the people, fore the pee pull shill knot pear itch from the earth.