I hope editing is like riding a bike

You know, you never forget how. I haven't done any editing since 5/30, the last Demand Media article I did (of the six I did for them this year).

I can't believe that my Demand "Work Desk" online is even accessible, not that there's ever anything there. I never get any of the team emails, nor have I ever received one of those "come back to work for us" emails. Weird company.

I just checked the first and last Demand articles I did. There's a kind of poetry/symmetry/full circle about it:

5/13/09: How to Report an Employee Not Keeping Their Office Clean (yea, I let the title errors slide)

5/30/12: How to Can Meat Spaghetti Sauce (see above!)

Of the 1000s of titles I've copy edited, this one comes the closest to setting up a joke.

"How to Change a Light Bulb on a Harley-Davidson Ceiling Fan" -- A whole lot of rigmarole led up to a big finish: "Unscrew the existing light bulb by rotating it in a counterclockwise motion. Insert the new light bulb by rotating it in a clockwise motion."

Somewhere out there is some poor soul, sitting in the dark, perhaps with his family, whose life will be immeasurably improved by something I'm proud to have worked on.

Vague to the extreme

Arguably the weakest link in the Demand Media article-generation chain are the title writers, proofers, and those who do QC of titles. Here's a perfect example:

"How to Become an Instructor." Everyone who eyed that title before its release should receive a good thrashing. And I mean that in the harshest of terms. Seriously. No hyperbole.

Oh the humanity

If corporations can be persons, many writers apparently believe that people can be things.

Most of the how-to articles that I edit have a section that lists things you'll need to complete a particular project.

And I'm getting sick and tired of seeing people listed under "Things You'll Need.

Swimming pools

Over the past weeks, I've copy edited scores of instructional articles about pools. And what I've learned, more than anything else, is that there are countless pool owners out there who are more than a few gallons short of a full pool.

They don't know how to fill or empty a pool, or how to cover and uncover one. And don't even get me started on filters, pumps, skimmers, and chlorine, etc. I pray these people know how to keep their kids safe.

Cardio

I sure hope none of the health/fitness/exercise writers whose online articles I edit read textsfromlast.com. Otherwise I might find a variation of the following in an upcoming article: "she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays."

An article title path not taken

"Thousands of Red Bumps on Legs": IMHO, anyone who actually continues to count beyond several hundred might also seek treatment for OCD.

A year and a half of online article editing

From ratting out a coworker (5/13/09, How to Report an Employee Not Keeping His Office Clean) to keeping high blood pressure, etc., at bay (10/20/10, Sodium in Sunflower Seeds), in the words of the Grateful Dead, "Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it's been."

Millions of words

I was curious about the number of words I've edited in my online article editing job. Here are the numbers:

I've edited 5,560 articles @ 450 words/per (assuming that average) = 2,502,000 words. To put that number in perspective, it is about three times the number of words written by Shakespeare (884,646, according to the "Folger Shakespeare Library").

In scanning some of the Bard's quotations, I found one which could apply to the untold number of god-awful articles that are returned to the writers for a rewrite: "We cannot conceive of matter being formed of nothing, since things require a seed to start from... Therefore there is not anything which returns to nothing, but all things return dissolved into their elements."

I love the smell of an Expired in the morning.

I have two options for the articles that I edit online: edit and approve for publication, or edit and return to the writer with a detailed rewrite request.

If a writer receives a rewrite request, he has four days in which to comply. If the article isn't returned to my queue by the deadline, it has expired. I do, however, receive payment for having worked on it. The writer does not.

Every once in a while an article is so bad, and the rewrite request effectively asks the writer to start over, that he abandons it. This is often my hope; I simply don't want to spend another minute on an article that isn't likely to be much better the second time around.

I checked my queue and list of "Reviewed Work" this morning. My hope was realized: an Expired.

High Oy Vey Factor

From an article I just edited: "Standup straight and steady your self."

I do need to steady myself, but I think I best remain seated.

10-Foot-Pole Title of the Day

From my online article editing queue: "What does it take to be a mother?"

In addition to what might be considered the obvious, the possibilities are endless. I suspect the article is an extremely condensed version of "Motherhood for Dummies."

Ask Mr. Science

"Is there a difference between walking and standing still?"

"No."

From "Walking Games for Kids," an article I just edited:

"I Spy is a game for two or more people, and ideal for an adult-child outing because it involves no physical activity."

The next time someone tells me that I should walk a mile in his shoes, I'll say, "No problem. How about two?"

Body language

The "How To" articles I edit online often have a "Things You'll Need" section, which on occasion include the obvious. From today's How To's:

"Techniques To Improve Posture"
Things You'll Need:
Your body
A chair
A package to lift
A wall to stand against

The writer proceeded to ignore "a period" for the Things You'll Need to end the ensuing ten or so sentences.

Truly taking guidelines to heart

One of the writing guidelines for some of the articles that I edit online is, "Write articles in second person to pull the reader into the piece."

The writer of the following obviously was consumed by the spirit, if not the letter, of that guideline:

"The second kick waits until you you’re your arms back to your sides."

The Elusive Break

I decided to take a break from manually renumbering close to 2,000 endnotes in the manuscript I'm editing. I went online to some article copy editing. This is part of the first article I selected:

"Step 7

"Calculate the body density of your subject, in grams per cubic centimeter, using the following formula for females: 1.096095 – (0.0006952 × sum of skinfolds) + (0.0000011 × sum of skinfolds squared) – (0.0000714 × age). Continuing with the example from above, assuming the subject is 25 years old, her body density is 1.096095 – (0.0006952 × 110) + (0.0000011 × 12100) – (0.0000714 × 25), or 1.031148 g per cc. Use a slightly different formula for male subjects: 1.112 – (0.00043499 × sum of skinfolds) + (0.00000055 × sum of skinfolds) – (0.00028826 × age)."

Can't win for losing.

I'll pass on this one, thank you.

(On the copy editor forum on the website through which I do my online article editing, there are many funny running threads regarding titles not chosen to edit, often referred to as "10-foot-pole" titles. All articles have "Tips" and "Warnings" sections.)

One of my posts to the CE forum today:

It's not strictly a 10-foot-poler, but I'll stay clear of "How to Lose the Buttocks with Butt Exercises." I fear the article does not include Tips on how to retrieve your lost buttocks or a Warning about the dangers of life without them.

Today's 10-ft.-pole title

There is a copy editor forum on the website where I do my online article editing. The CEs regularly post titles that appear in their queues that they will not, for a variety of reasons, select to work on.

Our reasons for passing on titles include no familiarity with the topic, a title that contains a question that doesn't appear to be answerable, a particularly vague title, or titles that cause the little man inside to scream, "No way. Stay away from this one."

I just passed on this one: "How to Lose Weight While You Sleep With Vinegar"

Some other copy editor can pick that one and perhaps explore the depraved world of Vinegar's Weight Loss Emporium & Pleasure Palace.

A "How To" not for the faint of brainpower

From a "How To" article I edited on calculating weight loss during exercise: "This calculation will also require you to know your age in years and your gender."

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and assert that anyone sentient enough to even consider their weight would not ask "How old am I?" or " Am I a man or a women?"

If it's Wednesday, it must be humanitarian day.

I just finished an article for my online editing work: "How To Lose Fat in Your Forehead." Seriously.

The thought of countless folks whose lives will be changed as a result of their slimmed-down foreheads warms my heart and will sustain me for days to come.

Dare I hope for the Presidential Medal of Freedom?