CHECK OUT THIS AD COPY!!!

Remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine broke up with a guy because he didn't use exclamation points and then Mr. Lippman told her to remove all of the exclamation points she inserted into a manuscript written by that ex boyfriend? Mr. Lippman would not like this copy (including the bolding and capitalization) from a job ad I just saw:

PROFICIENT WRITER NEEDED!!

Must have own transportation to Work!!

IF YOU HAVE A PASSION FOR WRITING, THIS IS THE JOB FOR YOU!!!!

Please reply to this AD and attach you Resume!!

This Craigslist post speaks for itself

I needed help writing a book (md)

i have writers block, and i believe that the reason is because i am not a writer, but i have a good, actually a few good ideas (stories) and i believe they are good, and the people that i have shared the stories with believe so too, my problem is that i can tell you the whole story with details, but when it comes down to writing it i just don't know where or how to begin, so here is the catch, i don't have much money, how about if we fill some paperwork before i share my stories, then i relate them to you, it will only take a couple of hours of your time, and if you (the expert) don't feel that they are not worth it, i will pay you for your time, but if you want to venture with me on this, then you will have 50% of whatever the book makes of it, name your hourly price and at the beginning of the interview i will show you the money, if you are interested, well you will get paid when the book sells, if you are looking to get paid along the way while we write the manuscript then don't reply to this ad

Hello, to all who have read and replied to my post, and thanks to those who have replied with suggestions and advices, I will not be deleting this ad, but many of You and Your advices have opened My eyes, so I will apologize and retract from my offer, it seems that I didn't know what I was asking when I asked for help, I will be taking the advices instead of the help that i have been offered, again, I apologized for using Your time

A painful read

A movie synopsis on Amazon.com:

FORKS OVER KNIVES examines the profound claim that most; if not all; of the so-called "diseases of affluence" that afflict us can be controlled; or even reversed; by rejecting our present menu of animal-based and processed foods.

I can relate

Every time I have a Nutella snack, I have to control myself to not let this happen. One of the world's great foods.

In addition to not having self-control, the poster also has issues with commas!

Commakaze

I just finished a temp assignment on a government proposal submitted by an IT company.

A bizarre, never-seen-before error that I had to fix repeatedly in the proposal was that one writer placed a comma before and after "as well as."

Junior Copywriter Needed in Fairfax County!

If Seinfeld's Mr. Lippman saw that Craigslist post, he'd say, "Get rid of the exclamation point. Just sayin'.

Also spotted in the post:

If so, this job is for you!

Must be positive, optimistic, and enthusiastic!!

If you are interested in this exciting opportunity, please send your resume to the email address above and reference "Junior Copywriter" in your subject line!

Confound modifiers

I don't know what their problem is, but almost to the idiot, the Demand Media TitleBots fail to hyphenate compound modifiers.

I've got a blood-pressure spike at the moment.

Unnecessary Q Marks Dept.

Recent BBC headline (I see air quotes): Twin blasts in Baghdad 'kill 23'

Not actually killed? Not 23 people? What?

Body language

The "How To" articles I edit online often have a "Things You'll Need" section, which on occasion include the obvious. From today's How To's:

"Techniques To Improve Posture"
Things You'll Need:
Your body
A chair
A package to lift
A wall to stand against

The writer proceeded to ignore "a period" for the Things You'll Need to end the ensuing ten or so sentences.

A series in search of commas

That makes my heart race, my lungs constrict, and my blood pressure rise.

Let's just say that the Institute makes full use of the aserial comma, shall we?

"Don't close the door, Mommy."

In the manuscript I just started to edit, "Ibid., 48"―missing the period at the end—is a typical end note. And there are nearly 700 of them.

Perhaps the author has abandonment or closure issues.

Serial Killer

Some say that deep within each of us lies a potential killer who could be released given the right set of circumstances.

Upon waking this morning, I found tangible evidence of that on the writing pad I keep next to my bed. Evidently I had done some automatic writing during the night.

What surely must be a very exciting job, posted on craigslist

Technical Writer Opening! (Falls Church, VA)

A Winter’s Tale

(My brother editor, Kieran, from Ardfinnan in Ireland, sent me this email on the occasion of the snow storm that hit the mid-Atlantic region this weekend.)

Dear Bud,

Upon seeing reports of the storm—and I’m sure you grow weary of hearing it called the Snowpocalypse—it brought to mind a fond memory from my childhood.

On many a cold winter evening, with peat burning in the stove, Mam would add to the warmth of the fire by telling us stories which had been passed down through her family’s generations. Below is her favorite.

As you will see, it was tales such as this that helped put this wee little editor on the right path.

Best wishes, K

The Four Horsemen of the Commapocalypse

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Fer Manach, the four Royal Wordsmiths incurred the wrath of the mighty and feared Queen Marrigan when they submitted a particular weekly Queen's Report for her blessing before it was released to members of the Court.

Several of the Queen's closest handmaidens, hesitant yet obliged to deliver the report to Her Highness, forewarned her that she would not be amused by what she read.

Indeed, she was not. For what she saw in the wordsmiths' writing were more errors related to the use of the comma than all the potatoes in the Royal Garden.

Upon hearing of the Queen's displeasure, King Crimthand summoned the wordsmiths to Court and decreed the following:

Wordsmith Breccan, you are guilty of the incorrect placement of the comma, as you have scrivened, “Her Majesty wore a, purple gold and black, gown.”

Wordsmith Narbflaith: you are guilty of using a comma rather than a period, as you have scrivened, “Her Majesty reviewed the troops, She then presented Captain Muirgel with the Royal Cross.”

Wordsmith Tanaide, you are guilty of the omission of the needed comma, as you have scrivened, “Her Ladyship Rosaleen born and bred in Mide will accompany HRH to Temuir the capital of our western provinces.”

Wordsmith Larlug, you are guilty of over-using the comma, as you have scrivened, “Young, Prince, Ultan, has begun his, military training, at Castle Dunguaire in the, Arderins Mountains.”

These punctuational offenses leave me no choice but to ban you from Court until you return from the Great Royal Forest at Glencree, where you will meet for a fortnight to review the Royal Comma Rules.

You will each be provided a steed from the Royal Stables and will then proceed, respectively, to the East, West, North, and South Royal Entrances, after which you will navigate your way to the Royal Middle Forest Glen. Upon reaching the Glen, you will spend the aforementioned fortnight dedicated to mastering the Royal Comma Rules.

You will then immediately return to the Court Annex, at which time you will have five days to draft the next Queen's Report for Her Majesty’s handmaidens to review. May God have mercy on your souls if you have not heeded the Royal Comma Rules.

Dead Man Walking Dumb Man Reading

To borrow a phrase in order to summarize the ruling principle on the use of arguably the most hated punctuation mark:

It’s better that 10 dumb men not be confused than one intelligent man be insulted.

(Hyphen Day continued below.)

It's called a "bulleted" list for a reason.

The reason being that, in far too many instances, when I encounter one I feel like putting a bullet in my head!

Not unexpectedly, the bulleted list continues to rear its ugly head in the proposal center on a regular basis.

So I finally reiterated what I recommended shortly after walking in the door at the beginning of last year. Here's my email to the entire proposal center and related management:

"There has been some feedback this week about inconsistency regarding punctuation in bulleted lists. The inconsistency is due in part to two editors working on a proposal and, importantly, the absence of any hard-and-fast rule regarding this most difficult of style issues.

"In all my years of editing, I have seen just one rule that works and is easy to remember: NO CLOSING PUNCTUATION FOR ANY AND ALL ITEMS ON THE LIST. That rule came about after many months of agonizing debate among a group of eight editors I worked with. Finally, we agreed on two things: (1) there is no right or wrong answer on this; rather, it is a question of personal preference; and (2) we needed a rule that all writers and editors could easily remember and apply.

"This would apply to sentences and non-sentences alike, and items that are questions similarly end with no punctuation.

"The first word of every item has an initial capital letter. Items do not end with a semi-colon; the penultimate item does not end with a semi-colon followed by "and".

"So, my strong, unequivocal recommendation is NO CLOSING PUNCTUATION FOR ANY AND ALL ITEMS ON THE LIST.

"Any other approach produces one of two results, both of which I consider unacceptable. First, if we end every item (even just one word) with a period, it looks consistent but is grammatically incorrect.

"Second, if we are grammatically correct and only use periods for items on a list that are complete sentences, then it looks inconsistent.

"That's my two cents, and I'm sticking with it!"

Stop. Now go.

The author of the book I'm currently editing consistently does a bizarre thing with em dashes.

She basically understands that one of the em's proper uses is to indicate an interruption or a sudden change of thought.

However, her execution of the em's function is literally halfhearted. For example, she writes, "These differences—as in concepts of time--need to be understood to make social interactions easier."

Why the double dash rather than the em to finish the interruption? All I can think of is that it's her way of first saying, "Stop and take note of this break," and then giving us the go-ahead to proceed to the rest of the sentence.

I have a feeling that she's never run a red light.

More from the illiterate who evaluates me

Email to the team:

[Misspelled name] has declined the proposal coordinator position, but has agreed to stay on as a consultant until we find a replacement. Loni’s last day as a temp-associate is Friday, July 17, on Monday she will convert to a consultant, her email will most likely change to UCON after her name.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

As a matter of fact, I do have questions: (1) Do you realize you've strung three sentences together? (2) Can you define "sentence"? (3) What's with the commas in place of periods? (4) Why don't you have the decency and respect to spell staff names correctly? (5) How in the world do you keep your job?

These gems just in, from the latest of her emails today: less then one year; They just need to make sence.

comm·a·tose

Pronunciation: ˈkah-mə-tōs
Function: adjective
Etymology: French comateux, from Greek kōmat-, kōma
Date: 2009
1 : characterized by lethargic inertness (The commatose editor reached a point where he didn't have the wherewithal to decide whether to insert or delete commas in the book he was editing.)

And how, you might ask, did I come down with this affliction?

First, the style at my FT job is to use the serial (aka Harvard or Oxford) comma.

Second, one of freelance employer's style uses the serial, the other doesn't.

Third, some style guides give it a thumbs up, others don't, and still others don't even have a thumb.

Such a tiny little punctuation mark, yet so problematic.

The it's/its confusion has me in a snit!

The results are in, and this week's most-often corrected word is it's incorrectly used in place of its.

Coming in second was there/their, with the ever-popular assure/ensure just a hair behind in third.

The multiple offenses were in a proposal for Office of Management and Budget IT support. I'm starting to think that the geek writers whose work I review hacked their grade records for English and skipped those classes.