Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .
I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as
possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will
absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be
willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .
First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay
there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids
bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance
to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself
from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose
leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through
the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and
snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch
the bus. At this point, I'll be off for the day for another day at the
office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as
if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold
you for a little longer.
At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend
some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head
straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of
course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number
of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and
workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package.
After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or,
if you don't feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for
some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the
company credit card.
I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own
corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career.
Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing
touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which
In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and
perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom,
take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . .
But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off
the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home
from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my
kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full
from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please
be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be
unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like
it was our first and last kiss.
We'll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal
together. We'll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the
stories of their days. After dinner, we'll spend time with the kids
together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments,
singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. .
.. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a
massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go
Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend
getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you
songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career,
boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every
sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love.
Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and
utterly consumed by both passion and love.
A fellow editor's reaction: "2 composition score for excessive use of ellipsis along with batshit craziness."