This title writer deserves a raise and a promotion.

"Company you've never heard of acquires copy and paste clipboard-molesting jerks to create an even bigger pile of shit" (from BoingBoing.net, 1/25/12)

Shiver me timbers

First article edited today: "How to Make Your Own Sword Cleaning Kit."

I picked it in honor of Edit Like a Pirate Day.

From TitleBot mania to Storyville

Wherein I transform the work of article title writers into a summary of a short short story.

These (actual) titles were in my queue today at the same time (all "Thanks but No Thanks" titles, not selected): How to Put a Hole in a Rock, How to Live Without a Lawnmower, Places to Buy a Single Red Rose, How Can I Make a Family Tree Look Like a Tree?

A poor, tortured loner with an aversion to lawn care escapes into his secret world in a boulder, where he soon meets his maker. His sister, the lone survivor of the family and known for her inability to even draw a stick figure, sets a solitary rose in a vase on her desk as she begins the task of putting to paper a diagram of the family's lineage.

Discriminatory title of the day

‎"Above Ground Garden Plans": How about the subterranean gardeners? What are they, chopped liver?

Of the 1000s of titles I've copy edited, this one comes the closest to setting up a joke.

"How to Change a Light Bulb on a Harley-Davidson Ceiling Fan" -- A whole lot of rigmarole led up to a big finish: "Unscrew the existing light bulb by rotating it in a counterclockwise motion. Insert the new light bulb by rotating it in a clockwise motion."

Somewhere out there is some poor soul, sitting in the dark, perhaps with his family, whose life will be immeasurably improved by something I'm proud to have worked on.

Category fail or not? You decide.

"What are Ways to Get a Boyfriend" is listed as a Criminal Law article.

Confound modifiers

I don't know what their problem is, but almost to the idiot, the Demand Media TitleBots fail to hyphenate compound modifiers.

I've got a blood-pressure spike at the moment.

Vague to the extreme

Arguably the weakest link in the Demand Media article-generation chain are the title writers, proofers, and those who do QC of titles. Here's a perfect example:

"How to Become an Instructor." Everyone who eyed that title before its release should receive a good thrashing. And I mean that in the harshest of terms. Seriously. No hyperbole.

An article title path not taken

"Thousands of Red Bumps on Legs": IMHO, anyone who actually continues to count beyond several hundred might also seek treatment for OCD.

Another Title Fail

I passed on this one in my queue for online article editing:

"The Calories Burned When Swimming in a 25-Foot Pool"

It must be written for readers who are members of teeny tiny itsy bitsy aquatic facilities.

Don't tread on me

Here's an article title that popped up in my online editing queue that never should have seen the light of day: "How Fast & Long Should I Walk Without a Treadmill?"

I'd proffer that it depends on whether the treadmill will feel (1) slighted if its pace can't keep up, and (2) lonely and abandoned as you disappear into the distance.

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Moe

New Inductees: Hall of Shame, Article Title Division

"Detoxing Diet Books": Who knew! These books are contaminated.

"How to Stop Smoking Online": Simple. Turn off the computer.

"Questions for a Doctor in Child Delivery": I don't think she'd want to be disturbed.

"How to Go Back to School with a Family": Just ask. I'm sure they'd be glad to have you come with.