It's nice to know that nothing's changed.

After freelancing for more than two years, I am job hunting again, including looking for FT jobs.

Here are snippets from a series of emails between me and a prospective employer who has a copy editing position available.

To me: The test is a one-hour, timed test, and you will need access to a computer, internet, printer, and scanner.

From me: I don't have access to a scanner. 

To me: Do you have access to a scanner?

From me: As I indicated in my previous email, I don't have access to a scanner.

This person doesn't know the meaning of "edit."

On DC Craigslist:

Editing a book (work at home)

Looking for a student majoring in English or comparative lit to edit a book translated from Polish. This has to be done quickly, ideally by year-end, starting immediately. Principals only.

****

I had to respond to the post:

I can barely believe your post. You're looking for someone -- a bilingual student -- with no editing experience to take on a book manuscript, in translation no less. You've got a lot to learn -- that is, everything -- about editing and publishing.

In one short ad, you have reduced the value of experience in the editing profession to virtually zero.

Maybe you'll find a little "editor" in your Xmas stocking Sunday morning. More likely you'll find pieces of coal.

Racing to the bottom: $12.50/hour

From JournalismJobs.com:

Journatic is a news content provider that provides editorial services to some of the most respected news organizations in the world. We are looking to immediately fill the position of 'Project Manager' for our news briefs. This is full-time, remote position. The pay is $26,000/yr., no benefits.

Consider applying if you:

-Can think creatively to find solutions [If so, there's no way you'd apply for this position.]

-Understand quality assurance [QA isn't achieved at entry-level compensation.]

-Can measure and report Journatic performance to management [As if management would care; the company's pay structure is a barometer of that.]

-Can recognize and speak up about issues as they arise [How about we start with how you're exploiters.]

-Can manage numerous data/content projects in varied locations simultaneously [Sure. Why not! Someone will end up performing management magic on slave wages.]

If qualified [you'd be an idiot to apply to these greedy bastards] and interested:

1) Send your resume to jobs (at) journatic (dot) com

2) Include the words "Briefs Project Manager" and the number 138829 in the email subject header

3) Explain in one paragraph the answer to the following question: "If you could have dinner with one famous American, past or present, who would it be and why?" [A better question would be, How can you bastards sleep at night?]

Dreamscape

Last night I had a dream in which the main "character" was a street named "Freedom Road."

Being trapped in the whirl of hustling to get freelance work is a bitch.

WTF did you contact me?

I received the following (with some more details) on Dec. 12 from an Aquent rep:

"I found your resume in our database, and you look like you'd be a great fit for a job opportunity I have available for a part-time Editor/Proofreader.

"I'd like to share more details with you. If you're interested, drop me a note and I'll give you a call."

I emailed her. No response.

I called her. She said she'd send me an email with a number of different times from which I could choose, so she could call me at a convenient time for me. No email.

I've subsequently sent her four emails, expressing my interest. No response.

Clearly, she contacted me solely for the purpose of meeting some kind of quota.

I will continue to send her emails, just to be a pain in the ass.

Mother love

A Reddit poster wrote, "My Mom like's to paint rocks!"

Mom should also take a look at her kid's writing.

HR going by another name

An email I got from Aquent yesterday brings back vivid memories of what I experienced countless times over many years and call "the temp agency tease," as in "we've got something perfect for you yadda yadda yadda."

I called the Aquent rep yesterday, and rather than talk with me about the position, she said she'd email a list of times she could call, and that I should pick one. I still haven't received the email.

I have no doubt that temp agency reps have an incentive to make a certain number of contacts a week, month, or whatever. I know of what I speak. I've dealt with many of them. I have an interview this week with The Creative Group in DC that might very well turn out the same way.

People who work for temp agencies are in effect HR folks, and we know about them. I think they're recruiters who couldn't make the cut into the more prestigious and higher-paying agencies. This is not cynicism; this is the reality of temping through agencies.

Advertising with forked tongue

Mobiledia.com is looking for a staff writer. Its ad on Mediabistro.com includes this mixed message:

"Our ideal candidate has also cursed at an editor and threatened to resign at least once because some idiot wanted to change his or her perfect lede."

But later in the ad: "We don't focus on output. Instead, we try to develop good writers. We believe if we can help you write better, everything else will fall into place. We'll challenge you to push yourself and grow, but we also offer support through coaching and mentorship."

Guess what: You can't have it both ways.

Breaking bread . . . and perhaps limbs

I've concluded that far too many writers who select articles about building dining room, kitchen, and other tables must not own any tables, and perhaps have never actually seen one. For example, on more than one occasion I've seen the direction to attach the legs but without any mention that they should be at or close to the corners, or at least placed in a way that stabilizes the table.

Someone at Indeed.com needs to learn how to shorten a post for an associate editor

"Foreign Policy is currently looking to hire an ass..."

Tit for tat

Writer note: "Please see ref#1 before changing multi-station, because it’s important that we maintain our technical accuracy/legitimacy."

My note to writer: "AP style, which we use, trumps how a reference treats 'multistation'; hence the changes that I made."

RTFM if you want to "maintain our technical accuracy/legitimacy."

"How to Slice an Orange"

I just copy edited an article with that title. I had to bring all 28 years of my editing experience to bear on that challenge.

Pet peeve

When writers use "ground" rather than "floor." Maybe they live in dirt huts.

Say "cheese"

From Mr. Redundancy: "a built-in camera for taking pictures."

Featured: Bad Intro

"The iPhone 4 is a popular, fully-featured smartphone that features a number of features..."

Negativity

This is what Demand copy editors refer to as a TFPT (10-foot-pole title): "How to Not Sync an App Without Deleting It"

Your guess is as good as mine.

Editing test, a first

I sent a cold letter of inquiry re freelance work to a publishing company in NoVA, after seeing a craigslist post for a managing editor position (I think that's what it was; in any case it mentioned managing freelancers). I got a response today, with an 8-page editing test. Among the instructions was this: 

"3. Please supply a document-specific style sheet; it should show (1) a list of specific vocabulary terms and word spellings/usage particular to this document; (2) conventions for number usage; (3) acronyms used in the document; (4)  hyphenation usage (specific hyphenated terms) in this chapter; (5) special symbols used, if any; and (5) a query list (referencing the approximate line number where the query occurs within your edited file)."

I don't think so.

Titles for dummies

"How to Open Schlage A-Series Locks": At the risk of sounding like I have an idiot bias, who doesn't know that you insert the key and turn it. That pretty much was the content of the article.

One for the ages

A fellow Demand copy editor sent an article back to the writer for a rewrite. The writer then bitched on a Demand forum about not understanding what the copy editor wanted.

The copy editor posted her reaction on a Facebook group that some 120+ of us have formed:

"Hmmm...unless by 'not sure' he meant that he has no idea what I was saying, which since I was saying that I had no idea what he was saying, would be ironic."

My article copy editing day begins

First up is a "How-to" article: Under "Things You'll Need" are "Potectuive gloves" and "Googles."

ETA: Excedrin.

Sneaking in?

This photo is my LOL of the day. It's the image used in an article titled "Fixing a Squeaky Stair." The question is, Why does she not want to make a sound?

Neither left nor right

Thanks to one of the few writers who acknowledges that not everyone is right-handed: "Hold the trigger end of the drill in your dominant hand and place your other hand under the front of the drill."

Pulling no punches

One of my fellow article copy editors included the following note in a rewrite request to a wordy writer:

"If you're going to use that many words, make sure each one has a job to do."

Bravo.

Where gun opponents fear to tread

I just copy edited an article titled, "The Best Way to Clean a Muzzleloader Shotgun."

Couldn't wait to finish it.

R.I.P.?

When a writer's bio reads like an obit: "After learning electronics in the U.S. Navy in the 1980s, xxx spent a lifetime in the construction industry..."

Maybe it just felt that way.

Sleepediting

You know that horrifying experience of driving in the middle of the night, suddenly waking up after you've fallen asleep for a second or two, and then realizing that you might have just driven through a red traffic light you can see in your rear-view mirror.

In that vein, I just woke up to the sight of the approval screen of an article on how to change the combination on a Master Lock. I need to reread it; I have no recollection of editing it.

Shiver me timbers

First article edited today: "How to Make Your Own Sword Cleaning Kit."

I picked it in honor of Edit Like a Pirate Day.

In a nutshell

One of my fellow copy editors for Demand Media pretty much captures what it's like to edit bad writing:

"Today, I wish my job were to tell writers what's right about their articles, instead of what's wrong. Then I could just say 'Nothing,' and move on."

From TitleBot mania to Storyville

Wherein I transform the work of article title writers into a summary of a short short story.

These (actual) titles were in my queue today at the same time (all "Thanks but No Thanks" titles, not selected): How to Put a Hole in a Rock, How to Live Without a Lawnmower, Places to Buy a Single Red Rose, How Can I Make a Family Tree Look Like a Tree?

A poor, tortured loner with an aversion to lawn care escapes into his secret world in a boulder, where he soon meets his maker. His sister, the lone survivor of the family and known for her inability to even draw a stick figure, sets a solitary rose in a vase on her desk as she begins the task of putting to paper a diagram of the family's lineage.

DIY projects rule

"Building your own barbecue can give you the look of a professionally made grill without the expense."

I'm there; I always wanted to look like a pro grill.

Unintended consequences

‎From a DIY article: "Adding stain to a wooden beam after distressing it with other materials can give you an old weathered look."

This is most likely not the result the homeowner is looking for.

"John Deere" makes my blacklist

For a while, I was selecting articles about JD products. Many of them were written by a woman who included the following note with each article: "the [yes, lowercase] second reference is my husband who is a service manager at a John Deere dealership with 15 years of experience. He gave me the additional information not found in the manuals."

He did not, however, give her guidance on run-on sentences and the basic rules of punctuation and capitalization. I tried in several notes to her included with my rewrite requests. Fail.

To paraphrase the Soup Nazi, "no more John Deere for you!"

Baby steps

When I send an article back to the writer with a rewrite request, he has four days to resubmit. If he doesn't, the article expires but I still get paid for my work on it.

This is from the writer's bio in an expired article: "[Mr. Expired] is a freelance writer and began writing at the age of 18."

Kind of a late start, wouldn't you say. Apparently he hasn't learned how to rewrite yet.

Lefties left in the lurch

As someone who writes and shoots pool lefty (slightly ambidextrous), I protest in the harshest terms possible the right-handedness bias of many writers.

I always change "hold the xx with your right hand and twist it with your left hand," for example, to "hold the xx with one hand and twist it with the other hand." Just sayin'.

From a Mr. Wordy article

"Some people may discover when they forget their combination that they cannot find where they stored the information sheet that came with the lock that had the combination on it."

That was painful, wasn't it.

Writer's comments

Article writers often include comments to us copy editors if they feel that doing so would help us in some way.

Another Mr. Obvious (and there are so many) carries on that proud tradition in his writer's comments for "Landscaping for Above Ground Swimming Pools." He wrote, "I just wrote about what I would do when landscaping around a pool."

I don't know how I could have proceeded without that context.

Discriminatory title of the day

‎"Above Ground Garden Plans": How about the subterranean gardeners? What are they, chopped liver?

Bad writers will be the death of me.

From an article on troubleshooting a refrigerator: ‎"if the ice maker is not fulfilling both of these responsibilities"

There's nothing worse than an irresponsible ice maker.

Employee of the Month

Of the 1000s of titles I've copy edited, this one comes the closest to setting up a joke.

"How to Change a Light Bulb on a Harley-Davidson Ceiling Fan" -- A whole lot of rigmarole led up to a big finish: "Unscrew the existing light bulb by rotating it in a counterclockwise motion. Insert the new light bulb by rotating it in a clockwise motion."

Somewhere out there is some poor soul, sitting in the dark, perhaps with his family, whose life will be immeasurably improved by something I'm proud to have worked on.

Category fail or not? You decide.

"What are Ways to Get a Boyfriend" is listed as a Criminal Law article.

Tool Time

"Replace it by unscrewing it frmo it's harness using a screwdriver if it is broken."

This writer is broken, and I'd like to use a screwdriver to . . .

Confound modifiers

I don't know what their problem is, but almost to the idiot, the Demand Media TitleBots fail to hyphenate compound modifiers.

I've got a blood-pressure spike at the moment.

Vague to the extreme

Arguably the weakest link in the Demand Media article-generation chain are the title writers, proofers, and those who do QC of titles. Here's a perfect example:

"How to Become an Instructor." Everyone who eyed that title before its release should receive a good thrashing. And I mean that in the harshest of terms. Seriously. No hyperbole.

FT job vs. freelancing

No contest. Here are my top 10 pros and a couple of cons:
Weight down
Blood pressure down
Sugar level down
Cholesterol down
Stress down
Sleep and work when I want to
No commute
No dry cleaning bill
Work with people I like (me)
Staff meetings I actually enjoy (self-reflection)
Two major drawbacks: Medicare health coverage sucks; can't get a handle on the income tax area

The joy of freelancing

Stayed up until 2 this morning to watch "The Social Network" (highly recommended). Woke up a bit too early, doing some work for a while, then back to bed to catch up on sleep. And so it goes at the office today.

Oh the humanity

If corporations can be persons, many writers apparently believe that people can be things.

Most of the how-to articles that I edit have a section that lists things you'll need to complete a particular project.

And I'm getting sick and tired of seeing people listed under "Things You'll Need.

Swimming pools

Over the past weeks, I've copy edited scores of instructional articles about pools. And what I've learned, more than anything else, is that there are countless pool owners out there who are more than a few gallons short of a full pool.

They don't know how to fill or empty a pool, or how to cover and uncover one. And don't even get me started on filters, pumps, skimmers, and chlorine, etc. I pray these people know how to keep their kids safe.

Simply. Can't. Deal. With. This. Now.

‎From an article on swimming pool maintenance: "Resolve even the smallest leak in your pool filter before it turns into a bigger leak. Leaks can indicate damaged parts; over time, and possibly very quickly, the damage becomes larger and, in turn, the leak becomes larger."

Maybe later when I might have the stomach for it.

More title vagueness

"Company Responsibility for Employee Engagement": Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.

Cardio

I sure hope none of the health/fitness/exercise writers whose online articles I edit read textsfromlast.com. Otherwise I might find a variation of the following in an upcoming article: "she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays."

Zen and the art of conscience maintenance

I just copy edited an article on Weed Eater strings. It had five sections like this one: "The 0.080-inch, 40-foot replacement Weed Eater strings are available in three different formats: the Tap N’ Go I L.H, part no. 952-701589, which is compatible with Weed Eater models BC 24W and 30B; GTI 19T; HP30SBP; TBC57; XR105; XT 125KT and 125T; and YP140, as well as the Tap N’ Go II Dual Exit, part no. 952-711564, which is compatible with the Weed Eater BC3100."

I've heard tell that some copy editors might not check all the "facts" in this sort of material. Can you imagine being that irresponsible! We're talking weeds here, people.